


after all this time

by galehads



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, BEST FRIENDS THAT FIGHT AND MAKE UP, Childhood Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Taeyong-centric, M/M, Moon Taeil could be a shrink here if he wanted to, Multi, Mutual Pining, NCT Night Night, Pining, Reader-Insert, Reconciliation, kinda but it’s more like friends to enemies to friends to lovers but theres no tag for that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26142268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galehads/pseuds/galehads
Summary: After your long-standing friendship with Taeyong had soured and deteriorated to hostility, an awkward dinner with him sparks a long and complicated journey of mutual healing and forgiveness.Or alternatively, our love never really went away.(ON HOLD)
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Reader
Kudos: 6





	after all this time

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Summary: Weighed down by the day's frustrations, you're faced with an unexpected visitor who too had a heavy heart to share.

Johnny's voice seldom trembles. That, as his best friend, you knew very _very_ well. Johnny always had a calm-and-collected sounding voice, but right now, during this phone call, you could almost sense a twinge of worry in his words. _Almost_. If it weren't for this particularly chilly night right now, you swore you would've felt a shiver down your spine with that worried tone.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay being under the weather and all?" you heard his voice on the other side of the line, "Baby, I can reschedule this meeting and come over with food with Jae? You do have a runny nose, after all."

"Yeah! This is really no big deal. The campus radio people can meet us next week, you know?" Jaehyun — your other best friend, with his soothing, baritone voice unmistakable to your ears — chimed in next. His voice seemed less worried but concerned for you nonetheless.

You smiled to yourself at the affectionate nickname and chose to shut down their offer quickly: "There's no need to make a big fuss over a simple cold, guys. I really love and appreciate you, but your meeting is important too."

You heard Johnny sigh on the other end as you kept walking along the busy main street, "Whatever you say."

"Just text if you need anything, okay? We'll even leave the meeting early if you need us to," Jaehyun reassured.

You laughed, "I'm sure it won't get to that extreme. Tell me how it goes once you're done, alright?"

"Okay, baby. We gotta go, we're pulling up at the radio station right now. We'll check up on you soon."

"Good luck, boys."

"Thank you."

By the time you had got off the phone with Johnny and Jaehyun, you came to realize that your feet had brought you to _Donnie Hu’s_ like you were on autopilot. You had somehow arrived safely at the little restaurant despite being so preoccupied with your best friends calling. After today's several stressful ordeals that involved almost being late to your final paper submissions, forgetting your reading glasses in your apartment, and running blind most of the day on top of nursing a minor cold, you were well on your way to getting yourself some well-deserved soup.

You paused in the restaurant's façade, taking in the old neon sign that proclaimed the owner's name into the cold night in your little university town. You heard warm and hearty laughter from inside the building — wholesome and full, something that you didn't realize you kind of missed lately. You'd admit, you usually came to Donnie Hu's with your best friends, and remembering this detail made you feel a little bit lonely — longing for the company you used to have.

The establishment was a humble little Chinese eaterie tucked away in a bright food stall alley just off-campus. Bells chimed with a warm welcome as you opened the door. Donnie Hu’s was a space that could fit no more than twenty customers at a time, cozy and intimate with a homey glow to its simple decor. At the moment, there were no other patrons aside you and that small group of friends whose loud laughter you could hear from outside sitting together at the corner table.

Suddenly, seeing that little group of friends in their little world livening up the unusually empty restaurant made you feel _much_ lonelier than you were before.

Scanning your eyes towards the granite counter, you grinned at the only man on duty, one Moon Taeil — the restaurant’s most dedicated employee, a stocky man with a pleasant face, not much older than yourself. He immediately shot you a warm smile.

“Haven’t seen you in a while, Matt!” He laughed.

You smiled in response, “it’s been busy lately, Taeil. Lots of papers and tests, but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.”

“I respect that,” he said, “Where are your friends? They’re usually here with you.”

“Last-minute raincheck, they had a sudden meeting for their radio show. I’m just here to get hot-and-sour soup and a mixed dim-sum platter to go, please, Taeil.”

Taeil nodded as he started prepping the food from behind the counter, “hot-and-sour soup, huh? That sounds like your kinda sick food. You okay?”

“Just the sniffles, it’s probably because finals season is so soon.”

“Well, at least you have your friends to take care of you. I’ll make the soup less spicy so it doesn’t hurt your tummy.”

“You, Moon Taeil, just read my mind.”

Taeil just smiled, letting the conversation take its natural pause. Not long after, he broke the small silence with a question you didn’t realize he would ask.

“Say, are you guys and Taeyong okay? I don't mean to pry, but every time you come and eat here lately he's not around.”

_It was that obvious, huh?_

You let the pregnant pause have its moment before you let go of the breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

“I'm not even sure, Taeil. He just… disappeared all of a sudden. From all of our lives. Johnny only sees him in their literature class but Taeyong doesn’t try to talk to him anymore, and Jaehyun's friendly hi's are ignored whenever they cross paths on the way to the gym,” you sighed, “it’s difficult admitting this, but I feel like we've all kind of given up trying. He doesn't seem like he still wants to be associated with us, and there's no point making plans for the four of us if he shoots us down 100% of the time.”

“There's an undiagnosed problem here, then. I can't exactly tell you what that might be, there are a lot of possibilities but the only way to find out is to talk to him, right?”

You thought about it for a second. He wasn’t wrong. It’s just that you knew you were too stubborn to admit to yourself and other people how much it broke you to keep being this way with Taeyong. Your voice left your throat quieter than you wanted it to: “I guess so. But how do I get the answers I want if he doesn't want to talk to me in the first place?”

Taeil smiled to a pitiful smile to himself before starting to wrap up the soup into a plastic container. He opened his mouth carefully to avoid making your mood even more gloomy.

“I can't give you those answers, little one — that's where I'm out of my depth. I don't know him as well as you guys do, so there must be some way to figure out how to get him to talk to you. The answer could also be to just _wait_. Leave him be and let him come to you when he's fully ready. You just need to let him know that you three are there to listen to him and acknowledge how he feels."

You nodded quietly while he continued: "Once you find out why he's acting this way, an apology might go a long way.”

“But I don’t know what I did wrong, and I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t know I did, Taeil.”

“Well no, but it shows him that you're willing to let go of the frustration you might have harbored this whole time,” he replied, waving the soup ladle in the air to emphasize his words, “the mature thing to do is to communicate. Not speaking to each other isn’t gonna solve anything, you get what I’m saying?”

 _Jeez, Jaehyun isn’t this blunt, and Johnny never gives this good of advice_ , you thought, _why do you have to be right and likable, Moon Taeil?_

“You know, Taeil?” you said as he cocked an eyebrow in amusement, "You're pretty good at this. Ever wanted to study psych and be a shrink or something?"

He laughed, "I get that a lot, but no. Cooking is where my true love is. Besides, you love my food and Mr. Hu needs me around — otherwise, this place would be a mess."

You beamed at him, "Touche, sir."

“You got it,” he nodded as he set down the plastic containers with all of the assorted garnishes he knew you liked inside your reusable grocery bag.

“How much do I owe you?”

“Just 19 and a quarter.”

You fished inside your wallet for a twenty.

“By the way,” Taeil said suddenly, “I put an extra portion of jiaozi inside there for you, just for a little pick me up. That extra is on me.”

“Taeil, you don’t have to,” you whined, “you already listened to me be moody and gave _excellent_ advice, and now you throw in those jiaozis? Seriously, how much extra do I owe?”

“As I said, it’s on me. I really like you guys and I just want to see you be okay,” he winked innocently.

You cocked an eyebrow at him, “are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m positive. Now go and feed yourself. Nurse that cold and get well soon for your finals.”

You laughed, “Thank you for everything, Taeil. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“You better. Have a good night!”

You left Donnie Hu’s with your spirits lifted. Maybe things would look up from here.

* * *

By the time you arrived at your studio (small, but very cozy) apartment with the food, you immediately got to work: you stuck a spoon into the container of soup and a pair of chopsticks for your dim-sum, and turned on Community on Netflix. Even though the screen was on, your mind drifted off while you ate. You smiled to yourself when you were reminded of your other friends when they were ill: Jaehyun would’ve been convinced he was dying and start moping around, extremely fussy about how the medicine tastes terrible; meanwhile, Johnny would skip eating to try and sleep off the cold without medicine, which has somehow always worked out for him. As for Taeyong... he would’ve demanded to be cuddled despite risking spreading his cold, simply because he liked the affection that came with the care. It stung a little to think of a time where he wasn’t cold with you — _affectionate_ , even.

You couldn't help but wonder what he might be doing right now. If you knew him well enough, Friday nights would involve some rounds of PUBG, a game he is not particularly good at but is insistent on playing it simply because he finds riding their vehicles extremely fun.

But soon your attention drifted away from Taeyong as you finished your soup — you gathered up the empty container and stuck your leftover dim-sum platter into the fridge, and then moved to clean up in the kitchen. By the time you had to pour yourself a dose of NyQuil to try to sleep off the cold, you realized just how early it was: 20:48. You decided to text Jaehyun and update him.

 **[20:48] You:** just finished dinner,,,

 **[20:48] You:** gonna take some nyquil so dont freak out if i dont pick up on first ring

Your phone buzzed soon after with Jaehyun's reply.

 **[20:49] jaeboo:** okay baby

 **[20:49] jaeboo:** johnny and i are still at the radio station

 **[20:49] jaeboo:** the meeting’s taking longer than expected

 **[20:49] jaeboo:** we'll come over to check on u in the morning so get some rest yeah?

Before you could send another reply, the doorbell buzzed curiously. You weren’t expecting anyone anymore — not at this hour, at least. You padded carefully to the door and proceeded to turn the lock and crack open the door just a little. But against all odds, you were met with the person you had least expected tonight.

 _Taeyong_.

If you were honest, for him to suddenly appear like this on your doorstep wasn’t uncommon when things weren’t so awkward, but these kinds of visits have been increasingly rare recently. If anything, he was the last person you thought would be standing on the other side of the door. Yet there you were, finding Taeyong sweaty and panting at the doorstep like he ran all the way to the apartment. You froze upon seeing his face and you were tempted to just close the door back on him, but you remembered how difficult it is to get him to talk to you.

“I’m sorry to come over unannounced like this but I needed to get some things off of my chest and I didn’t know who else to say it to but you,” he rambled without pause.

If your bitterness had its way, you wouldn’t have hesitated to close the door and avoid all of this awkwardness. It took every ounce of willpower in your body, and you decided to get over yourself and stepped aside to let him in.

“I’m sorry- I’m really sorry again,” he murmured while slipping off his shoes.

You watched as he sauntered carefully past the kitchen and into your small living room, noting how his feet seemed to be covering familiar territory. Then nearing your couch, he slowed to a stop and awkwardly faced you with his eyes wide and mouth half-open, "I'm sorry, I'm so rude to just come into your place so forwardly."

You cocked your head in amusement, "No, stop. Don't do that. You're just coming into my living space."

“Right,” he said and quickly cleared his throat. Then Taeyong shuffled quietly to the couch and perched quite literally at the edge of your beaten-up, grey two-seater, and glanced at the shot of Nyquil sitting on the coffee table.

"Are you sick?"

“Minor cold. It's no big deal.”

“Oh. Okay. I hope you feel better soon, then.”

An awkward silence filled the room. The air felt strange, and it was slowly suffocating you. Whatever Taeil said about having a mature conversation with Taeyong was difficult in practice. You’re _adults_ , for crying out loud.

Taeyong mumbled suddenly, his soft voice suddenly cutting through the tension in the air: “Maybe I should get going, we can talk when you're feeling a bit better, and with Johnny and Jaehyun for better effect.”

“No, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Have you eaten? I have leftover dim-sum that I can warm up if you’re hungry, and I have a bottle of peach soju in the fridge. You don’t have to go, I’ll keep you company,” you blurted out. Honestly, you didn’t know where these words came from. You brought your hand to your forehead in the first-hand embarrassment — one minute you were dreading Taeyong's presence, and the next minute you had courage from who-knows-where and just asked him to stay. Somehow, you were desperate to talk to him. You didn’t want him to leave just yet.

Taeyong looked at you, eyes wide again. Maybe he didn’t expect you to extend this kind of invitation to him. It’s been far too long since you’ve had a normal, easy-going conversation. You missed him, and that went without saying. You missed his hearty laugh and the way he used to call to make sure you were eating right during days with a heavy workload. You missed the way he would casually sling his arms over you, protective against the prying eyes of strange men. You missed the way he called you _baby_ , the first of your friends to give you your affectionate nickname. You missed the way he used to lend you his jacket if you were cold, and the way the clean smell would rub off on your clothes even after you parted ways. You missed your best friend.

When he nodded wordlessly, you felt a small wave of relief wash over you. It was a step in the right direction.

You heated the container of dim-sum as Taeyong leaned awkwardly against the counter next to you. He was holding his hands together in a way like he didn’t know what to do with them, slowly rubbing his right thumb over his knuckles. You noted how Taeyong’s presence was so familiar, yet so foreign at the same time, and he was growing too unfamiliar by the minute. You longed for the person who was once your best friend. He was _right there_ , but you didn’t know if he was still the same person that you missed.

In the silence, you let your mind wander. Out of everyone in your little group of friends, Taeyong was the one who you treasured most. Not to say that you loved the others any less, it was just that Taeyong had always occupied a special place in your life. He was your direct match in personality — you were both stubbornly loyal, determined to protect each other from the cruelties of the world. His presence in your life made the streets feel a little kinder than it actually was. You were his safe space, and he was yours.

At a certain point in high school, he was in a rough place: his family was going through major difficulties maintaining the store they owned; his academics were slipping; and on top of that, the relationship he shared with his parents were crumbling. Taeyong felt trapped, like his life was suffocating him. You couldn’t say anything — or more precisely, you didn’t know what to say. All you could do was open up your arms and let him lean on you for as long as he needed. Soon, things started looking up for him, but you continued to provide him with the comfort he needed whenever he was down. You had always been unsure if you were helping with the situation, so you delighted in the way that from then on, Taeyong would wordlessly climb into your arms when he looked sullen.

Taeyong was also your first kiss at age thirteen. Chapped lips, braces, and clumsy hands, and everything. It was just a kiss born of curiosity: neither of you had ever been this intimate with anyone before, and somehow it felt right to be each other’s first. He left a quick peck on your lips, and then he hesitated for what felt like ages. You felt his breath on your lips. You didn’t know if he was going to lean in again, and your breath hitched. But then, he retracted fully. You never brought the topic up to him again. As you grew older, sometimes you thought about the kiss, and it was a mystery to you if Taeyong ever thought about it just like you. When in high school, he eventually started telling you about the girls he went on casual dates with, and you forced yourself to brush these thoughts aside.

Life with each other came and went. Now here you were in your university years, trying to figure out how you got to this situation in the first place. You scorned yourself for being part of the reason why you were so awkward with him, despite all these years you’ve been through together. There was a reason why you hated this tension between you and him. He was your best friend, and even with the icy environment that's grown between you lately, you missed him more than anything. You were just now coming to terms that the love you had for him never really faded.

You glanced up at him from watching the dim-sum go around the microwave. He was staring off blankly into the cabinetry in front of him. You noted the familiar curve of his cheeks, and the sharp shape of his eyes, and the curl of his lips.

_Where did we go wrong, Lee Taeyong?_

Eventually, the microwave dinged, declaring that the dim-sum was ready. You pulled out a pair of chopsticks and passed him a saucer with julienned ginger with soy sauce — Chinese garnish you knew Taeyong enjoyed. You felt his soft gaze on you, watching as you moved the remaining dim-sum into a plate. It felt odd to have him look at you in any kind of way again. You reasoned with yourself but ended up concluding that he was surprised you remembered the garnish. But if you were honest, it’s not like you ever forgot — _how could you forget?_ It may be just garnish, yet the memories lingered, and you felt you still knew him like the back of your hand.

You came back to the living room with the plate of dim-sum and peach soju in your hands. Taeyong tailed you quietly, settling down on the floor near the couch as you laid the plate on the coffee table. He murmured a quiet ‘ _thank you for the food_ ’ and started eating.

There was silence once more, and you decided it wouldn’t suffocate you anymore. You glanced at him, and when you saw him staring at the TV which you just realized was still on, you decided to open the bottle of soju and pour yourself a shot glass, downing it quickly. When you poured another, you felt Taeyong’s stare on your skin — the same concerned look he used to give you when you drank together.

“What?” You asked quietly, the alcohol making blood rush into your cheeks.

“Nothing. You shouldn’t have had any. You were about to take your Nyquil,” he replied, picking at the dim-sum in front of him.

You let his words sink in.

“Oh... right.”

He poured himself a glass. You sipped the soju slowly this time, the stuffy silence invaded yet again, save for the sounds from the TV.

“Could I talk to you about something?” He asked suddenly.

“What about?”

“About all of this. About us.”

You couldn’t help but let your bitterness get the better of you.

“Gee, I wonder why,” you snapped, your tongue was heavy with spite and sarcasm. And when you realized it, your face twisted with regret. For someone desperate to talk to him, this was a hostile response _,_ you thought.

It took a while before he nodded once. Taeyong swallowed, then opened his mouth to speak.

“I owe you an explanation. It won’t excuse my behavior, but I’m hoping that you’ll listen. That would be enough. Please, hear me out,” he pleaded.

Your heart squeezed like it was going to break again, yet you knew you needed this closure. You were afraid to meet his eyes, but you nodded anyway.

You heard him exhale in relief.

“Through thick and thin, you were always there in my life. You were there on the ups and downs of high school, when my relationship with my parents was literally on the verge of breaking, and when I had so little people to turn to. I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated you enough for that, for staying by my side. I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world to suddenly leave you when you needed me most.”

“Taeyong, where is this going?”

“I’m getting there, I promise.”

He downed his glass of soju, and groaned at the burn in his throat. If you were being honest, you were so close to losing your patience, but Taeil’s voice rang through your head as though he was monitoring this exchange: _let go of your pride and hear him out_.

You clasped your hands together in an attempt to self-soothe, and you listened to him continue.

“Somewhere along last year, I caught feelings for you. At first, it wasn’t anything major, I just thought about how pretty you looked while reading, and cooking, and things like that. It got gradually more intense as time went by, and at a certain point, I was almost convinced that you were the one.”

He paused for a second to let you process it. _How come you never knew this?_

“I like to imagine that I wasn’t discreet with my crush,” he added, “but you didn’t seem to react any differently to me, so either I wasn’t obvious or you were oblivious. I just concluded that you simply didn’t think of me in that way, and I respected that. Or at least, I tried to. I never ended up telling you about it. So I decided, for me to move on with my feelings I had to withdraw from your life a little, just until I got things together, even if this meant I had to not hang out with you and Johnny and Jaehyun as much anymore. If I was going to come to terms with you not reciprocating my feelings, I had to be prepared to let go of the romantic notion of you once and for all. I wanted you to be happy even if it was at my expense. I regret not telling you any of this, and I hate myself every day for it because I knew how much it hurt you.

“But when I did start hanging out with you less, it occurred to me how _seamless_ the transition was. I watched as you and Johnny and Jaehyun continue to hang out as if I never was part of the picture. I watched as that happened and I was hurt and it only fed my ego that said I didn't need any of you in the first place. For someone who desperately wanted to withdraw from you guys, I was jealous of the friends I used to have — of the company you gave me. I couldn’t stand having to harbor these weird, convoluted feelings inside but I didn’t know who better to talk about it with other than _you_.

"And I _tried_ , I really tried to look for new friends. I thought what I needed was to replace you, and I made excuses for myself like that I simply outgrew you, but the way that you guys seemed to go on without me just fed my bitterness. Soon, I had convinced myself that you guys would never accept me back the way you used to, and I felt guilty that I wanted you back after all that I've put you through. _Jeez_ , I harbored so much anger for you and myself before Doyoung from my psych class forced me to snap out of it. I blamed you and the boys for a lot of things before I realized that you never did anything wrong. _I_ was the one that left, and _I_ never told you anything about how I felt, and I don't blame you for eventually leaving me alone. I knew you were always open to listen to me and I never took you up on your word. It’s as if I didn’t trust you and I now realize that you must be hurting just as much as I was too.

“Pretty soon, I stopped trying. I couldn’t muster up the courage to reaching out to you and apologize, and my ego made sure of it. When Doyoung finally forced the truth out of my system, he finally beat some sense into me and told me to apologize. He told me that I was an idiot for thinking that you wouldn't be hurt for suddenly leaving. I was scared, I was _so scared_ — the damage was already done and I didn’t know if you would have me. Somehow I forced myself to come anyway and my feet led the way here after I guessed that all three of you might be studying for finals together. Now I'm kind of glad that I get to apologize to you privately first — the most important person in my life.

“I know that I have been selfish amongst a whole lot of other things that I’m certainly not proud of, and I promise I’m working on it. I’m learning to swallow my pride and ask for help when I need it. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but for what it’s worth, I’m really sorry. For all of the hurt I caused you. My pride kept getting the better of me, and I don’t know if you could ever forgive me.”

You were quiet while he confessed his inner thoughts — you were too busy listening that you barely had enough energy to nod or hum in response. Your mind raced when you realized you had to swallow all of this information in one go.

_He loved you, and you never realized? Just how dumb were you? Did Johnny and Jaehyun know any of this? How did he expect you to react? What now?_

“Matt?”

You could only turn to face him. When you met his eyes, you saw worry and sincerity, tipping off each other like balanced weights on a seesaw. You couldn’t bring yourself to maintain this eye contact.

“Please say something,” he pleaded, his eyes squinted in worry. His voice broke like he was about to start crying. You realized the immense wall of ego he must’ve torn down just to tell you all of this as honestly as he could. But really, what could you say to him?

“What are you thinking about?”

“Jeez, _I don’t know_ , Taeyong, what do you _expect_ me to feel?” you whisper-shouted, “You drop a bomb like ‘hey, I loved you since last year but never planned on telling you which is why I just left you and John and Jae with no warning to the point until you had to chase me down just to talk to me again?’ How do you expect me to _know_ how to react? Well, _I don’t know, Taeyong, I don't have a fucking clue_. Is that good enough for an answer?”

Taeyong's face was stunned to silence. You groaned and poured yourself one last glass of soju.

“Are you mad?” he asked quietly after you threw your head back to down another shot. You softened at his voice, meek and discouraged. Frankly, you were anything but mad. Frustrated, _yes_. Relieved, _a little_. Heartbroken, _maybe?_ Confused, _definitely_.

Shaking your head no, you put your head in your hands, defeated: “I wish I was mad.”

When he didn’t say anything, you closed your eyes amidst this headache of new information and sighed, “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day.”

Then you let the silence settle between you again. You were lost in your emotions, but you knew it wouldn’t be long until you made any conscious decisions. You were just waiting to exhale.

"You could've told me, you know?" You mumbled as you massaged your temples, "You know you can tell me anything. We could've worked this out together."

Before you knew it, you had blurted out some words again, and you hoped he didn't catch any of it: "And _how could you_ assume that I wouldn't have any feelings for you?"

You let out a frustrated sigh when you saw his eyes widen again in surprise, and you let your hands gather your face. You couldn't bear to look at him.

“Could I come closer to you?” He asked suddenly, his soft voice cutting through the tension in the air.

You hesitated, and you were afraid to look at his face as confirmation. Your head still in your hands, you mumbled an ‘ _it’s a free country_ ’ and soon enough you felt his body next to yours. Taeyong sat next to you, and you let your head lay on his shoulder — something you two hadn’t done in a while.

“I’m sorry. But maybe it’s too late for me to have asked for your forgiveness, huh?"

“No. Of course not,” you shook your head, "you were scared, Taeyong, and you did what you thought was best for you. It hurt us, but all we ever needed was time."

You felt him finally relax next to you, and he, too, let himself rested his head atop of yours. You were never mad at him, and you couldn’t ever be. You were disappointed at his behavior, of course, but never angry. You just missed him like no other, and you felt betrayed that he would suddenly leave you alone like years and years of friendship meant nothing. But now you knew that it wasn’t true. Sure, it would take time to mend yourself and the bond you once shared, and you felt you were prepared for it. But he was not the only one at fault: you also needed to make that apology. You wore down your ego, brick by brick.

“I’m really sorry too,” you said quietly.

“What for?”

You started, “because Johnny, Jaehyun, and I are not the only ones with hurt feelings. So you did ignore us — especially me — like the plague and that broke my heart, but it’s not like I'm completely blameless.

"I stopped trying to look for you, Taeyong. I gave up, and I hate that I did. I hate that I just let you go without a fight — without trying to look for any viable explanations as to why. I just jumped to conclusions and believed that you simply hated me, even if I knew deep down inside that it wasn’t the case. My ego prevented me from trying, _again and again_ , to reach out to you until you responded. I stopped fighting for you, and I was unfair to you.”

“Honestly, this whole thing wasn’t fair to the both of us,” he interjected, earning a chuckle from your part, "To all of us, Johnny and Jaehyun included."

“We both made our mistakes. We just need to find our way back to each other.”

A silence settled between you again, one that was finally comfortable and warm, and you felt your heart soften. You found his left hand and laced it tightly in your right, watching as he started thumbing over your knuckles. _You weren’t going to let go ever again_.

After a few minutes, his hand left yours as he moved to touch you. You looked up at his face, finding his eyes full of conflicted emotions. _Worry, and fear, and relief, and joy_. But on top of all of that, he looked at you with _love_. Whatever type of love it was, you decided it would be a question for another day — for now, you were just glad you would have him back in your life again. You let him gather your face in his hands, and he planted a gentle kiss on the crown of your head like he used to. He paused for a second and hesitated, but you knew he wanted to hug you. When you nodded your consent, he slowly pulled you into his embrace and you reciprocated, wrapping your arms around his torso. Taeyong rested his head on top of yours, and you finally felt yourself breathing fully — _in and out, in and out_.

“We’re going to be okay. Don’t you worry.”

You stayed there in his arms until late.

Taeyong left the apartment just a little bit after midnight. _You won’t get to bed if I stay_ , he said, and you nodded. But he lingered in front of the door like he wasn’t ready to leave yet, waiting for you to say something to make him stay just a little longer. You hesitated before you decided to just say what you wanted to say.

“Taeyong?”

“Yeah?” His eyes widened with an expectant look, and you wondered how he could be so sweet and undemanding, even after everything you’ve been through.

“For the record,” you trailed off, “if you _had_ come to talk to me about anything on your mind, even if it wasn’t about us, or Johnny, or Jae, I wouldn’t have turned you away. I would’ve let you inside. Just so you know.”

“Even despite our awkward, non-speaking terms then?”

You nodded: “Yeah. Even despite that.”

He smiled a small smile, contented, “Get some sleep. I’ll see you soon.”

When he was finally gone, you felt a shift in your disposition. It was like an emotional weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and there was no longer a boulder in your chest that prevented you from breathing properly. You were on the way to making things right, and you knew it in your heart.

It was easy going to bed that night. Remembering you couldn't take Nyquil because of the alcohol in your system, you settled on your mattress and curled up under your soft blankets. You promised yourself to tell Johnny and Jaehyun about everything that happened the next morning. The day’s emotional exhaustion finally revealed itself in the darkness, and you felt sleep slowly take over. You had one last thought before a deep slumber wash over you: _everything would be okay_.

**Author's Note:**

> this has been in my drafts for a long time... it's about time i properly share it. second part coming... soon?


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